flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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