I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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