omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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