I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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