Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
