sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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