Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
