nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
