Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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