Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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