my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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