my text book just quoted the cookie monster
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
