Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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