Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
