Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
