Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
