If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
