You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
