When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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