I can text with my tongue
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize