Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
