It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
