I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
