i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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