She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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