someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
