FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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