i was born a porn star she said
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
