theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
