Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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