tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
