im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
