She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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