You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
