I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
