I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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