Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
