Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
