I wish I could teleport
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
