His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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