He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
