he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
