I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I believe in your delicious
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
