In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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