i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
