come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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