Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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