but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
