She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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