i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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