Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
