Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
