Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
