How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
