Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
