Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
