dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
