Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
