I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
